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Would you read this if it was published?

Question by Mimosa: Would you read this if it was published?
i blocked the paragraphs so you could read better. it’s actually only two pages
after you’re done, can you answer the questions below?

The girl gripped the stack of paper tightly as she walked at a carelessly fast pace. She was called down by the Head himself.

She knows the rumors, the facts. She knows that she was gone and on the move again. They’ve dedicated years and lives to stop her, and now they let her slip again. If only she was in charge of the project, maybe she would’ve. She warned them the flaws of the plan, yet they decided to take the risks.

Now? Who knows where she is. Maybe in London, Australia, Russia? Maybe she skipped for a vacation spots and went to Africa. Her hunch? Probably in America. There were an odd string of murders that started in South Dakota, went south, and ended with a missing child in Minnesota that was later found in Illinois just hours after she escaped. She has the research done. Now all she has to do is trap her.

The girl reached a large, metal door with a wheel similar to a ship’s steer attached to it. She spun it once to the left, then right, right two notches more, left, left, yank, and the door swung open enthusiastically, nearly knocking her down.

She stepped into the room. The room was in the shape of a circle cut into a fourth, and was brightly lit by the sunshine outside. The room had massive windows lined up, serving the purpose of a wall. Coffee colored curtains were hoisted up by fancy ropes.

Bookshelves lined up against the walls that faced the building and charts and diagrams mounted stately against their stands. They were so cluttered; it looked like it was arranged in a maze. The girl walked and occasionally nudged them to get to the center of the room, where a desk and chair laid out in front of her. A man occupied the chair.

The man had walnut eyes the color of glossy wood. His hair was dry and brittle and he had a light goatee. His face, usually alert, was now tired and gaunt. He raised his eyes wearily to peer at the girl.

“Why, Miss Dale, sit down.” He beckoned her to a chair in front of his desk. The girl sat down.

“So what exactly is your idea?” the Head asked,

Dale, the girl, nervously unclipped the stack of papers, and spread them out for the Head to see.

“See that?” she indicated a few pages of newspaper clipping from the stack. All of them had the words murder, homicide, and unknown scattered throughout the articles. She then drew out a map of the U.S. Large red dots were plastered on it.

“The police found first body here,” Dale pointed to the first red dot. “The next few have around the same symptoms; organs pulled out through the mouth, or no injuries known.” The Head stared at them observantly.

“The murders continue into Minnesota,” she pulls out two other article clippings. “They found the body in Illinois. She was only three.” The Head flipped the two articles about the missing Angela Wilsons around to read. There was a large picture in one of the articles. It featured a young toddler with wispy brown hair and a toothy grin.

“Did you find anything else?” The Head at last spoke.

“There was a blackout later in Illinois, in a town called Hillsville.” Dale drew out even more articles. “Please sir, I think it all fits. All the murders, they all go in a diagonal curve. I think she was moving towards Hillsville.”

The Head nodded, “That seems definite.”

“This is her, I know it is. All we have to do now is find a way to trap her and do it – “

The Head raised a hand and she immediately stopped.

“Miss Dale, I think this–“ he swept his hand over the map with the red dots, “is definitely her.”

“Thank you, sir. Now, if we can use my plan to – “

“But –“he stopped her again. “But I think you missed a step Miss Dale. Actually, two steps.”

Dale looked as though she had been clubbed over her head.

“Tell me Miss Dale, who are we supposed to after? Who are we suppose to chase?”

“She of course!”

“Yes, but she is inside somebody isn’t she? It is most likely a girl, and even more likely, an infant or a toddler. So which girl are we supposed keep an eye on?”

Dale swallowed. She tripped, she made a mistake. “I shall find the most likely person, sir.”

“Yes you will. Now, let me help you,” the Head said, “You know what the girl might look like, am I right?” (Dale nodded vigorously) “Usually their eyes are different, abnormal. We will need a lookout for every possible target. This is where you come in.”

“What?”

“You will be an agent. We will change your name, definitely. Perhaps not your first name, but definitely your surname. We will also be creating a fake history of you that you will need to memorize.”

Was this happening, Dale thought. She is being promoted!

“So all you have to do is find the most likely targets, I don’t care how many there is, and present them to me. As a treat, I’ll let you choose which target you want

“So all you have to do is find the most likely targets, I don’t care how many there is, and present them to me. As a treat, I’ll let you choose which target you want to be stationed at.”

“Thank you ,sir” Dale breathed. “so, shall I go? Now?” she made a motion as if to gather the papers.

“Ah, yes. Imeadiately, Miss Dale. In the meantime, I should be getting started on my part too…” he stood up from his chair and strode to the door. But as his hand turned the door, he paused.

“Miss Dale?” he called.

“Yes?” Dale said from her stack of messily piled stack of paper.

“Did you take care of the police?” he asked quietly.

Dale smiled and nodded, “Yes.” She didn’t explain how.

1. Does it raise suspense?
2. is it confusing? (aka does it make your head hurt)
3. Does it need more details? (i purposely didn’t put a lot of physical detail about Dale)
4. Would this be a good intro to a book?

Best answer:

Answer by Ginny Weasley (Potter)
1. yes
2. yes but i like how you wrote it.
3. yes just a little more and her name?
4. maybe. you need to work on it more but i could see it having potiental

Give your answer to this question below!