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Q&A: Do you think I have a right to know??? PLEASE HELP!!!?

Question by ĀŢĿĄŜ↔ĴŮŅĶĬĒ: Do you think I have a right to know??? PLEASE HELP!!!?
My daughter’s poor excuse for a father (I’ll call him “donor” for now) is a 40 year old, immature, irresponsible schlub who lives with his mother and sister and is unemployed. It’s not that I’m a mean person or bitter, it’s just that he’s a dirt bag that I didn’t know very well at all when the condom broke and well… you get the point. I wouldn’t trade my daughter for the world but her father… well, that’s a different story.

Anyway, we have a verbal agreement that he can have supervised visitation with her twice a week (if he can make it). He’s been threatening to take me to court to get partial custody and/or overnight visitation since she was about 5 months old but has yet to even get his name added to her birth certificate (she’s now 20 months old, btw). Recently he has been increasingly difficult, screwing around with the agreed upon child support payments and again, threatening to go to court – this time claiming he even received a letter back from “them” and something about January (although he is a confirmed compulsive liar and can’t seem to tell me who the aforementioned letter is from). Regardless, I am concerned about the possibility of him following through and getting a sympathetic (or stupid) judge that buys into his bull and awards him the partial custody and overnight visitation he says he wants.

Now here’s the major problem. I obviously don’t/can’t trust him as far as I could throw him (frankly I wouldn’t trust him to catsit). To make matters worse, his mother is in the beginning stages of dementia and his sister is a medicated but unstable bi-polar sufferer (“Donor” is also bi-polar, knows it, but refuses to get a diagnosis and treatment). At Thanksgiving my family invited his family to celebrate the holiday with us (they ARE my daughter’s family) so “Donor” and his mother joined us for dinner. His sister did not come and we were told that she was “very depressed and not feeling well.” Later, “Donor” told me that she has been having a very rough time and is extremely depressed because she sat around on her butt doing crafts all year instead of looking for a new job and blew all her severance pay and now can’t find another job and her money ran out. He said she’s really not doing well. About 2 weeks later I brought my daughter down to visit her grandmother and go to some holiday festival that some of “Donor’s” friends were going to with their kids. The sister wasn’t there and I was told she went away to visit a friend and would be gone until sometime in January (thus wouldn’t be joining us at my home for Christmas dinner). The way it was said was rather peculiar and has been playing on my mind since. I have a feeling that something serious happened (perhaps a mental breakdown or suicide attempt) and she has been institutionalized for a time. I feel like I have a right to know if that is the case. I mean chances are my daughter will be around this woman and I feel like I am entitled to know about something like that – especially if we do end up in court and “Donor” does get overnight visitation, my daughter will be staying in that house!

So how the heck do I ask a question like that? I mean, it is an incredibly personal question and I can understand them not wanting to tell anyone but I’m not just anyone. She is a woman who may be around my daughter quite a bit. Do you think I have the right to know? Would you want to know if you were in my position? How would you ask?

Thanks for bearing with me on this. I realize it was a long read but I had to give some insight into the situation. Any legitimate answers/opinions are appreciated – but please stick to the question (I realize it’s easy to pass judgment on others but remember, you still don’t know the whole story.)
Thanks everyone. BTW, I am NOT pushing anything. I have given “Donor” the opportunity on several occasions to walk away and never look back – even to sign away his paternity rights. He insists he wants to be a part of her life and I can not in good conscience keep my daughter’s father from her if he does not pose an actual threat to her right now. I am doing my best to not push him in any direction because he is completely unstable and irrational and I don’t want to be the trigger he needs to file the paperwork to go to court. I have talked to a couple lawyers and for the most part I have been assured that he has a very slim chance of achieving unsupervised visits, however going to court will open that door and I am just not willing to risk that possibility, especially not when my daughter is not even able to speak up if something bad does happen. Thanks for all the answers.

Best answer:

Answer by rainwriterm
Can I answer your question with a question?

Is this man a kind and loving influence in your daughter’s life? How about the mother and sister?

If any of them, yes, are caring and loving people to your daughter, I’d suggest just asking them what’s up with Sister and requesting some honesty because it’s what’s best for your daughter.

But, if this man is not a kind and loving person to your daughter and just around because you’re allowing him and he wants to get his money’s worth, you may benefit from just writing them out and realizing that just because they’re blood family doesn’t make their presence in your daughter’s life vital or important.

What do you think? Answer below!