How do you deal with a crazy MIL?? Kinda long…?
Question by Mama Doula: How do you deal with a crazy MIL?? Kinda long…?
Last week, the day before Thanksgiving, I get this weird email from my soon to be MIL pretty much blaming me for all these random things. She is accusing me of keeping our son Aaron away from her, demanding to know why he hasn’t slept over her house yet {he is only 11 months old and still breastfeeding regularly} when she has even told us that she is expecting her wheel chair and is now taking morphine 4 times a day to deal with her post polio, how am I supposed to feel confident she can talk care of him? And talking about the relationship between her daughter and herself. It was so completely out of line and yet, my boyfriend decided not to say anything to her. She does this every year around the holidays. Then we get an invite to a Christmas party she is having, and it just happens to fall on the same day and time I have a workshop that I cannot get out of. And she knew it was this day, I had sent her an email earlier last month when she asked what day would be good for it. She is bi-polar but is refusing any medication currently, as apparently God told her he will heal her…but that’s a whole other story…
So last night I wrote her an email telling her that I feel like I am being put in an impossible situation. I told her how her many comments about my weight and guilt tripping us every time we see her are just some of the reasons why we don’t come see her. {She also just showed up at the hospital at about 9pm the night aaron was born and just walked in the room and picked him up out of the bassinet without even asking if it was okay or washing her hands. Ah, memories} She truly creeps me out when she is with my son. She acts like he is hers and does the most annoying/creepy things with him. It’s that nagging feeling like if I leave him alone with her something bad will happen. I don’t feel like this about any other person, just her.I am really worried about the fall out and I just want to know what you moms would do in this situation. His whole family blames me for things that have literally nothing to do with me {his dad is a pedophile and we made the decision together to cut him out of our lives, now his brother won’t speak to him because they both say I am the one putting things into his head, again, nothing to do with me but they can’t admit that} SO, how do I deal with this?? What would you do? Thanks for reading my novel 
OMG Kris A! My step sister does the whole happy birthday jesus shindig!! I though it was only my family that was weird
foshizzle…. The hospital thing is an issue because I had to have an emergency c-section and she was there for it. Afterward, about five hours after, we asked everyone to leave because Aaron had just gotten out of the nursery because of breathing problems, and we wanted to spend time getting to know each other. She knew this. When she showed up I was laying there naked with blood everywhere and nurses messing with my catheter. Not an appropriate time to show up either. She just wanted to hold him with no concern for anyone else. That’s why it was hurtful.
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Answer by No.4 Due in August. Its a Girl!
My in-laws have done and said some pretty messed up things to me and about me, without even really knowing me. I let them know that if they can not treat me with respect, they will not be seeing our children anymore at all. It sucks that it had to come to that, but I was tired of crying because of them all the time. My husband stands behind me 100% in this decision. Sit down and have a talk with your husband about it and hopefully you can solve the problem.
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Just cut all ties. Starting a life together is tough enough without the family trying to cause trouble.
People just need someone to blame. You are considered an outsider and therefore become their target. People don’t like to admit that their family is messed up and they attack the people or person that brings it into the light for all to see. The same thing happened with my husband and I. After 11 years most have gotten over it and accept that neither one of us are going anywhere. Others (ones with the bigger problems like your MIL) we just tend to stay away from because they seem to never stop their trouble making and we have better things to spend our time and energy on than their craziness. Ahh, family…good luck!
whooooo, my god if this lady creeps you out as much as your saying i wouldnt let my baby stay with her either. Just explain that he is still breastfeeding and you wouldnt feel comfortable leaving him yet.
With regards to everything eles ignore it she is obviously mentally ill. Just let her know that comments about your weight etc are uncalled for.
tell you husband your concerns. Also dont feel obligdged to do anything, my family try and pressure me into doing things with guilt. My mother always plays the im the best nanna ever when in front of people but really she sees my daughter 2 times a month if im lucky.
dont worry about you have your family balls to them
Blimey i thought i was the only person in the world who had a mother in law like that!!
Mine is exactly the same! and i really feel for you,
My Mil did near enough the same thing to me when i had my son he was sleeping in his fishbowl thing and she comes in picks him up he starts crying and turns round to me and says “well put him on ur boob then don’t be shy come on..” (i hadn’t even established breast feeding by then he was Only 8 hours old)
She is a manic depressant and i get the blame for everything my son had to have a blood test when i was in labour so he had a tiny mark on his head from where they did it she turns round and asks whether i dropped him! WTF?
Trust YOUR instincs if you don’t feel comfortable with leaving your son with her then don’t, you’ve taken the first step by emailing her and have you spoken to your partner about it?
sorry for my essay lol its nice to know there is someone out there who feels the same as me I rarely talk to mine now and just don’t go round there and let my hubby take our son there as i know he’ll be stern with her and things she does with our son I hope everything works out for you xx
Good Luck
oh man. well since there’s not really a relationship to ruin, i suggest sitting down with her (with fiance at your side) and just being brutally honest. don’t be rude, but don’t sugar coat anything. i think the email was a good thing and then follow up in person. and let her know she is welcome to see your son when you are present (if this is the case).
as far as being blamed for crap like the pedophile FIL…ask if she would want her grandchild to be subject to any other pedophiles.
remind her as often as she needs that YOU are the mother and forget about being nice about it. she probably won’t get any subtle hints.
EDIT: i am an extended breastfeeder, so i know what you are saying about not being able to leave him yet. my dd1 started going to my inlaw’s house around 18months and it was only for 4hrs or less (and we gradually built up to 4hrs) she is now 28months and still has not spent a night away from me, b/c she still nurses at night. i’m allowing her to self-wean.
i can understand your situation, as i had the MIL from hell….however, i can’t help but comment on a couple things you brought up in which she’s maybe a bit correct about in my opinion:
her “just showing up” at the hospital on the night that her grandson was born is totally normal…i mean, she doesn’t have ESP, does she? -therefore, your soon-to-be-husband probably called her to tell her the news, right? – and no grandma i know of ever “asks” to pick up their own grandchild – even at the hospital (however, yeah, i would’ve quickly asked her to please wash her hands first!)….she was doing the right thing by just showing up –
even my MIL from hell just showed up when my son was born – and i was pissed that she was there, yet, looking back, i now realize that i probably would’ve been even MORE pissed if she *hadn’t* shown up! LOL – i mean, she’s the only paternal grandma my son had!
and, as far as her wanting to see the baby…heck, he is already 11 months old – he’s almost a toddler – she wants to see him – and that’s quite normal – and breast feeding for that long is getting in the way of her being able to see him without you having to come over, in which you don’t want to do anyway…..
since he’s as old as he is, he certainly doesn’t need to be breastfed every hour or two…and since she’s on medication and *obviously* (from how you’ve described her) can’t properly take care of him, then your soon-to-be-husband should be taking his son over to visit his grandma and staying for an hour or two…and believe me, an hour or two is all she’ll need before she’s had enough “fun” for the day!
you said she scheduled parties for when you have to work – yet, you don’t want to come over there anyway – so why would that make you angry? – i’d be HAPPY! – you can’t have it both ways – either you do want to come to the party, or you don’t….if you actually do, then your fiance should be talking to his mother about it.
HOWEVER, as far as her making comments about your weight and such???? – that made ME damn angry just reading it!
your soon-to-be-husband should have *immediately* talked to her in private about that – including that she is not to make such RUDE comments to the mother of his child EVER again –
to be quite honest, it sounds to me like your fiance is the one who isn’t quite picking up the ball here…and if he doesn’t do it now, it’ll only get worse once you get married…..only he can solve the problems regarding his Mom and your son’s grandma…you can’t, as she’s obviously just going to cause more drama when you get involved….
tell your man to “man up” and start taking care of the situation.
just my .02 – btw, *i* should be working right now! – i’ve gotta go! good luck – i know it’s not easy.
A few thoughts.
1) You are family now, like it or not, and families almost always come with issues. Not everyone in your family is going to treat you the way you want to be treated or behave the way you want them to, but because you now share blood, you have to learn to work it out for the sake of that child you both love.
2) Instead of trying to solve your problems with email, I would suggest having the courage to confront her face to face. Sit her down and tell her how you feel, in a polite, mature way. Use the phrasing “when you do X, it makes me feel Y” so that she does not feel you are attacking her personally, just her behavior.
3) Let go of the little things and don’t worry so much about the past. What happened in the hospital is in the past, and you can’t change it. All you can do is let her know how it made you feel, and then focus on the future and how you can best get along from now on for the sake of the child.
Good luck!
Go with your instincts – do not let her bully you into any situation you are not comfortable with. As long as your partner is on your side than you have nothing to worry about with his family.
Good luck!