Divorce or Forgive? 16 years, 3 children, and Bi-Polar involved?
Question by ou81now71: Divorce or Forgive? 16 years, 3 children, and Bi-Polar involved?
I am heart-broken!!
I have been married to my wife for 16 years (half my life). We have had our ups and downs like any other marriage and we have even separated for unrelated (to this) reasons. The separations were when my oldest was around 4 or 5, she is now 14. My wife suffers from Bi-polar disorder and has been hospitalized numerous times for depression. Each time I have stood by her and we have come out licking our wounds and tending to the pain we each suffered through the ordeal.
I am in the military and my issue begins while my family was stationed in England. Due to my wife’s “condition” we were forced by Tri-Care (our health insurance) to move back to the US. This was 2 years ago and my wife has yet to forgive herself for “ruining our lives” (her quote not mine). She and my children never adjusted to life in England and therefore none of them were truly happy. Of course, they all miss it now. My wife seemed to being doing better until recently …
My wife got her first job when we arrived at our new base and has been working for 1.5 years now (I congratulate her constantly). She was never able to handle the pressure of going to work and this was a huge improvement in her well-being. Only thing I worried about … prowling men! My wife feels she is ugly and unwanted (normal feelings for bi-polar & people in general), so a compliment here and a giggle there is enough that she can (could) develop a friendship easily (or an enemy). Well the cute, cool, womanizer caught my wife in his net and drew her in back in June of this year. Nothing happened between them more than friendly banter until June. When he asked her what color her underwear were online one night while im’ing. (Before finding this out he was nothing more than a friend and my children had even met him). My wife felt so guilty over allowing the IM to flourish that she attempted suicide to erase her guilt. While we were in the emergency room she told me about what had happened and that she was “intoxicated” on her nighttime medications, and that she was truly sorry and regretful. I was hurt of course, but I know that mistakes happen. So I let her cool off and get the help she needed and I supported her through it. She was released from the hospital and agreed that she would never talk to the man again. Like I said though … she is bi-polar and her emotions can quickly overcome her. One day in July or August she again over-dosed. When I asked her why she would do this she said it was because she wanted to talk to the guy because she missed their original “FRIENDS ONLY” relationship. I informed her that because of the cyber-sex I was uneasy with their relationship even as friends, because I knew he wanted more and she is gullible and easily manipulated emotionally. After she was released from the hospital this time I asked her to begin looking for another job, transfer, or take a vacation to visit her family. She informed me that everything would be fine and we talked with her employer to attempt to arrange her schedule to avoid this man as much as possible (my wife is a manager, but not his), so at times they MUST interact.
Now after my history my problem ….
On Nov 3-6th my wife began acting depressed again and took 3-4 sleeping pills. When I confronted her she said that the guy had began talking to her again and he followed her to the parking lot while talking. They almost kissed. I was FURIOUS, but once again I allowed her “mental health” to control my emotions and I forgave her and BEGGED once again that she NEVER talked to him again. She swore that she wouldn’t and we seemed fine, but her depression lingered. She blamed it on guilt and the holidays and then she emailed the guy calling him a p.o.s. and told him to not talk to her again (I guess he had been pitching jokes here and there again). BTW: All this time I avoided the “kill the other man” instincts, because of my children and my utter devotion to my wife. I admit I am deeply in love with her and wanted undeniably to spend eternity with her. Turns out though that 3 days ago she again took 30+ sleeping pills and the “almost kiss” was actually “REAL ORAL”. I proceeded to have her removed from my home for cheating on me. Until this day an UNFORGIVABLE ACT in my eyes. She flew home to her family today and I am heart-broken and unsure of where to turn. I know I will pray a whole bunch this weekend and I will be seeing my therapist (I talk mostly about my wife and how to deal with Bi-Polar), but that doesn’t take her act away nor does it allow me to forgive her. I KNOW I LOVE her though and I don’t know how I will continue life without her. I (we) have our children to consider (age 8-14) and I am under a cloud of hate and love.
Do I forgive her? Do I accept the “bi-polar” excuse? Do I say enough is enough? Do I keep the children (I am military and could be deployed) or do I forfeit custody to her? I wish I could talk to GOD and hear and know what his answer is. I feel so
Best answer:
Answer by ruth
I don’t know if you can handle the guilt of leaving her, you’ve taken care of her too long.
Truthfully, I don’t know at this point which is better for your children, either. But I doubt they need any more major transitions.
Please see a counselor about this.
I think the key is with her taking responsibility for managing her bpd. Do you have any idea how many millions of Americans live with this diagnosis? They take their meds, take care of their bodies and they can live relatively normal lives. It isn’t an excuse to behave bad.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Your poor wife is not mature enough to have custody of the kids! Holy cow! We all have our issues, but this is too much. Truly. Your empathy is extraordinary. Her self control is fine. She controlled how many pills she took so she could have an excuse. This isn’t lack of control, this is taking control, in its own way.
Do nothing to alienate the kids. But get custody. Even if she cries and begs. What if they find her overdosed on pills? What if they get depressed and decide to take some? What if she takes too many and acts inappropriate in front of them. Eeek. I’m getting nervous just thinking about it.
Gently, Firmly, leave this woman. There will be another, kinder soul out there for you.
no- do not take her bi-polar as an excuse. she cheated. it will continue if you do not move on… best of luck & please get her to seek help xx
This one hurts me to read in so many ways. I have had a divorce due to a cheating wife, and I know the pain… but yours goes even deeper having seen it coming and trying so hard (in vain) to stop it. And therein lies the key to my answer. Enough IS enough. You gave her every opportunity AND THEN SOME to give this guy the boot, and yet it persisted. The only way to get back on track is if through talking to her you TRULY believe, without a doubt, that she is repentant and would never allow it. It doesn’t matter if she’s sick, the pain she can inflict on you can kill YOU too. I was a single father with majority custody in the military, and they will work with you. Best wishes
As a man who has been on both sides of this coin let me tell you my take on it. Forgive her unequivocally here and now both for your sake and hers. Forget all about the slight dalliance with the guy. I mean slight because hey…even if they kissed it really honestly meant nothing because I guarantee that kiss wasn’t a damn thing as good as you would have given her and you know it. Just forget it now and put it out of your mind. You have kids that you love and need and she does too. She’s been good to you and you’ve been a prince to her. Don’t change all this because you’re in a small pissing contest with her. It really all means nothing more than you miss the hell out of each other. It’s all so natural really now isn’t it? Part of her problem is the longing she has for you. Part of your jealousy is the longing you have for her. Let it go. Be there for her…show her now as always what you mean to her and what she means to you. Support her as much as you always have…maybe even a bit more because she has such needs. Your children have needs too. Do what you can to be there for everyone. Don’t piss away years of a great relationship out of petty disagreement over some half a *ick who plays with her heart when you’re doing the right thing from a distance to maintain a family. It’s all good…it just seems kinda bad now. Be the man you are and step forward…forget it and move forward. You owe it to everyone and mostly yourself. Good luck and God bless you. You are a good person dude.
sounds like you need to let go and let god. take care of the kids leave her in gods hands. move on with your life for the childrens sake if she wants the otherside of godlyness let her go DO NOT BE unevenly yoked. little eyes are watching you set a godly example
oh man do you forgive her ??what is wrong with you, if i was a man i would have punched his lights out i would have protected my poor sick wife from being harrased like that, that s.o.b. wanted his d–s–by her and he made damn sure he used her, love alwasy protects but you failed her, you should have protected her you knew she could not handle it, now you throw her out!! you set her back 5 yrs probably,
in a way she was like an 11 y.o. girl, my father would have re-arranged his teeth for him, you owed it to her to put that bastard in his place, she is your wife!!! you men have no b—– these days, yes go to God out of guilt.
Tha’ts a really heavy load that you have been carrying for a very long time. My husband went through a time of severe depression and hospitalization but things improved greatly since that time. You really have a ton of love and commitment in your heart and I’m so sorry things have gone this way. You seem to be a person of great character and patience. With her challenges, she is not a person to leave your children to while away unless there are other trusted relatives involved here who are helping you. Your children need you as the sane stable presence in their lives. They probably realize there is something wrong with mother and need you desperately. She may have challenges but she is still responsible for her actions. Just because she seems week and naive is no excuse for having internet connections with men over IM. That’s completely inappropriate as she should be spending her time building her relationship with you and taking care of your children. Being in the military further complicates things here. Forgiveness only sets YOU free so you should forgive but that doesn’t equate to letting her have her cake and eat it too. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that trust is re-established immediately or that your relationship is no longer severely damaged. I hope you also have family who care about the children who can help you through this. They need stability and they need you. A time of separation is called for here and she needs to set boundaries with other men to where she is safe and committed to you. I’m so sorry that she doesn’t see the gem of a man that she has since you have seen her through tremendous crisis over and over and then she just crushes your heart like this. Once any other man sees the real mess that she is – they won’t have anything to do with her and she’ll end up completely alone and begging to come back to you. I’d like to really do something to wake her up for you. But, God can do alot of things I can’t and if you have been praying – I will too.
One of my friends asked me this sort of questions before,she found helpful here http://www.HealthInsuranceIdeas.info/free-online-health-insurance.htm .
What does real oral mean? real kiss or kiss something else of his anatomy.
Her previous history doesn’t really matter, it’s her actions which you need to consider now.
If was kiss, then is forgivable…if was kiss his something else, then divorce…
You should definately talk to a couselor about this. Her Bi polar shouldn’t be an excuse.