Help?? Husband refuses to intereact with my family. Blames them for auto accident.?
Question by Jan: Help?? Husband refuses to intereact with my family. Blames them for auto accident.?
Didn’t know if family or marriage/divorce was right category. Since this is affecting/causing fights between us, I thought that I would ask it here. Sorry about the length. I thought the details might be important to your opinion.
My parents have lied to my husband in the past. I don’t blame him for not wanting to be around them. My parents moved to a new house. My husband was on call that day for work. We told them that we could help them load the moving truck, but we couldn’t drive it, or actually move them, because my husband couldn’t leave the county. I would have been glad to help, but had two young children. If I’m moving furniture, the children could get in the way, or get hurt. We showed up to load the truck. A few of their friends from their church were there. As soon as we got there, the other people stopped working and left. It soon became apparent that WE were moving them. We had told my parents to hire movers, or helpers. They can afford it. They go on VERY expensive vacations multiple times a year. They spent 3 weeks in Australia, and 2 weeks in Hawaii that year. They just got back yesterday from spending a month island hopping in Hawaii. 0-1000 wouldn’t even put a dent in their pocket. My husband and I were pressed into service. We should have walked away, that’s our fault, but they are my parents.
While on the way to their new house, I got in a severe auto accident. (I hit someone pulling a u-turn on a highway who didn’t look. I had witnesses.) It sent my son and I to the hospital. My son was knocked out in the crash (a 50+mph t-bone). The boxes of my parents stuff my trunk hit the back seat with such force that it caused the seat frame to fail and bent the rear seat towards the side windows(Toyota Camry had a 60/40 split rear seat). My son received a small brain injury, but recovered. I ended up with whiplash, herniated discs, nerve root compression in my arm, and chronic pain for the rest of my life. My son and I went to the hospital, and my husband (who was driving the moving truck) met my parents at their new house. My dad wanted him to unload the moving truck before he went to the hospital to check on us!!
I do agree with my husband that my parents share in the blame for the accident. It is my fault for not saying no. However, I wouldn’t have been there if they had hired movers, like I told them to do. I look at it this way. If my friend was doing a favor for me and ended up seriously, and/or permanently hurt, I would feel guilty. I would apologize profusely. What could I do to help her? Could I help take care of the kids, while she got numbing shots in her neck and back? Could I help watch the kids for a few days? Anything I could do. . . . I’ve never gotten a sorry from my parents. Nothing!!! I do feel they owe me that. I agree with my husband. I have chronic pain which I treat with opioids.
Sometimes I unable to do activities with the family because of the accident. It has cost my family thousands of $ already. It has impacted my ability to work. I sometimes can’t sleep in my own bed. Visits to a pain management specialist aren’t cheap (One visit was billed at nearly 00), never mind the stress of dealing with lawyers and depression. My whole family has paid a steep price for them.
This happened 4 years ago. I know I will never get an apology from them. They really don’t care about anyone but themselves. Since my husband and I have 4 children, I would like my children to know their grandparents. They have invited our family down for dinner for the holidays. I really don’t want to go, but I have avoided all year. I’m trying to keep things peaceful for the children. I’ve asked my husband to come with me and just plan on leaving early. He refuses. He says he is surprised that I even want to go. I understand what he says. What do you think? My husband won’t go without an apology.
Best answer:
Answer by Girly Man
Can you say, Stupid man? He needs help or at least his ass kicked.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
I’m suprised you want to go too. I wouldn’t. I have no space in my life for selfish nasty people, related to me or not.
It is not their fault you got in an accident. It is their reaction after the fact that makes me wonder why you even speak to them.
I do not blame him, neither would I. He is looking out for your best interest. If they really asked him to unload the truck before getting to the hospital, I too do not understand why you would want to go, especially because of your children. They owe you more than an apology, and you should never have driven the truck anywhere. I would say, I am sorry but I am in too much pain because of moving your home against my wishes, I can not attend since we are broke from medical bills.
You really want your children to be under the influence of such self-centered parents who don’t give two shits about how their greed has negatively impacted all of your lives?
Tell them no-thank-you. You can make friends that will treat your family MUCH better then your parents ever will. Your husband is a wise man to not want to be around them.
This was an ACCIDENT. You could have told your parents NO. You and your husband should stop being childish. This isn’t your parents’ fault. Sounds like they’re takers, and you two are too weak to draw boundaries. Blame yourself.
I wouldn’t go either. I would be really upset and baffled if my in laws said “Okay unload the truck first and then go check on your wife and child in the hospital”. The fact that they didn’t even say sorry is also baffling. If you really want to go and keep the peace then YOU go and bring your children along. Your husband doesn’t have to go and I honestly don’t blame him.
It’s your parents fault that someone pulled out in front of you? That’s a stretch. If you were on your way to the doctor to get your kid a flu shot and the same thing happened would you blame your child? The doctor? Your parents do sound selfish, but the accident was not their fault. You should not blame them. The fault lies with the person who pulled out in front of you. I’m sorry for your suffering, but I don’t agree with your placement of blame.
They didn’t wreck into you, so it is NOT their fault that you got into an accident. So you were helping them out, but that doesn’t make it their fault. I think to blame them for that is so petty. They would NEVER want you to have been hurt, so why the hell would anyone blame them for something they did not do. It was the right thing to help them move, they are your parents. It is bogus that they wanted him to unload the truck b4 he went to hospital, but I doubt that even is true. If he doesn’t like them and doesn’t want to be around them, fine, don’t make him. However both of you are being ridiculous by blaming them for something like that. Accidents happen and it is out of any ones control!!!! Stop with the pitty and petty bs, you both lived and are lucky you weren’t hurt worse
Honestly I stopped reading at the point you wrote:
“My dad wanted him to unload the moving truck before he went to the hospital to check on us!! ”
That speaks volumes about your dad and me being a family man with kids, for your dad to ask your husband to wait on checking on the lives of his family to unload crap is infuriating!
I wouldn’t want to associate with someone like that either. I would ask for an apology and if they said no…To hell with them. My family comes first. I would be civil for the kids and my wife but there is no way in hell I would forget their actions when my family’s lives were hanging in the balance.
Family is not about blood. Its what they do when bad things happen.
UPDATE: Came back and still shaking mad reading this! Its just hits a father on a core level that what your father did was wrong. Its like a mother finishing at a beauty salon after getting a call her daughter has been raped.
Its a basic instinct all parents have that I can’t believe your folks have no clue about. I really want to fly over to your parents home and punch them…AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW THESE PEOPLE!
Can your marriage go on without a visit to your parents? If it can, so what is your problem? Weigh the relationship to your husband with that to your parents. Which matters more? There is your answer.
I agree with your husband. Your parents have caused many burdens in your family, so the least they could do is apologize. If I were you, I wouldn’t accept the apology, though. I’d probably scream at them, hurl at chair at their heads, total their car, steal their money, and many other things, although that would probably get you into some trouble…just demand an apology and go to their house, but treat them extremely rudely during the stay. Then, invite them to YOUR house and put some laxatives and coal ashes in their coffee =].
Just curious…how did your parents treat you when you were a child?
You’re parents DO NOT share in the blame for the accident. That’s nonsense. The guy who pulled the illegal U turn is to blame for the collision from the sounds of it. Just because you were helping them at the time does not make them responsible in any way.
Hey, you gotta help your parents move. That’s just normal family stuff. And everybody has family that’s a bit goofy. I think it’s just that your hubby and your folks don’t care for each other. If your folks are that selfish then who can blame him for not liking them? But this is not their fault. That’s wrong.
You see, this is where the “forsake all others” comes into play for me.
As-in forsake your parents for the sake of your marriage.
If anyone deserves an apology, it’s you, especially since you’re THEIR daughter, and not even just their daughter-in-law. I commend you on your attitude and desire to have anything to do with your parents – I’m not sure if I could do the same. However, when it comes to in-laws, I believe the person whose family is in question, that spouse has the final say. If you want to have a relationship with your parents, that’s your choice, and your husband needs to support you, especially since, again, you’re the one who’s suffered the most long-term damage as a result of this. However, if he simply can’t do that (which you know your situation, family, and husband the best), then you need to accept his limitations. Which would be worse? Him giving in and showing up and risking a few choice words said and relationships damaged further? Or your family (who I assume already understands the situation) being offended and risking that damage? If he goes, he needs to be with it ALL the way otherwise you’re asking for even more trouble. Weigh where the damage would be worse if there’s no way of convincing him to grin and bear it – and i mean grin and bear it, not just show up and be obviously resentful.
No one can treat you badly unless you allow them to. While you are blaming your parents for the accident, you really need to take responsibility for yourself:
-YOU chose to go help them
-YOU got into the accident…it was an accident, so you can’t blame your parents. Some things are preventable and some aren’t, but as a parent yourself, it is your responsibility to watch out for your kids and ensure their safety (no loading boxes in your car)
-YOU choose to care about people who don’t care about you
-YOU are way too nice…like the word “welcome” written on a doormat
It’s OK to say NO to people…why didn’t you at any point in this situation? I agree with your husband. Why would you want toxic people in your life? Let go and move on with your life…your parents are never going to change or realize the error of their ways. Why are you allowing others to treat you this way…all in the name of family?
Its not in any way your mom and dads fault you got into an accident. You decided to help on your own good will- and some idiot pulled in front of you on the highway. Had that idiot of been your mom or dad- that would be a different story. Im sorry for the pain this has caused you, but you nor your husband can continue to blame your parents for what happened to you. To blame your parents is just easier for you to accept that something terrible happened.
Your parents sound like extremely selfish close minded people. If i were your husband i wouldn’t want to go either, But people are people and irregardless they are your mom and dad. They invited you down, you should go. Maybe only stay a short visit, plan on ONLY staying for dinner, than getting the heck out of their. You need to see your mom and dad, they could die tomorrow. I know deep down you love them, and want to be a part of their lives…no matter how much pain they may cause you. Go down, take your kids, explain to your husband like it or not they are your family.
How would you like it if one of your children grew up to have four kids and completely banished you from their lives?
Stop living in the past, stop holding a grudge. you only get one life…LIVE IT.
edit…after thinking about it
Im not really sure its true your parents made your husband unload the truck before he came and saw you. There is another side to that story, it sounds way to bogus. what father doesn’t check on his daughter after shes been in a horrible accident? or allow her husband to at that. something else was going on, theirs something there that’s missing. And why did all the church people leave as soon as you guys got there? Maybe theirs a reason they left other than not wanting to help…. like maybe they don’t like you? I need to know your parents side of the story. their are to many totally bogus blame fingers pointing at them.
I am sorry you and your child were in an acccident, but it really isn’t your parents fault that it happened…yes IF you hadn’t driven their belongings to the new house you wouldn’t have been in the crash, IF the person who pulled the u-turn had looked first or not done it at all you wouldnt have been in the crash, IF you hadn’t been in that spot at that moment you wouldnt have been in the crash…but reality is is that you were and it happened and thankfully you and your child lived!!! we can’t live in the what if’s. Their behavior after the crash wasn’t right but is that their normal behavior or was it just their way of pretending it didnt happen so they didnt have to deal with the reality. harboring misplaced blame and waiting for an appology thats never going to happen(have you ever told them how you feel about the situation) isn’t healthy and you both need to let it go…or let your parents go,
My view is that your first loyalty is to your husband and to your children and that therefore you need to make your position clear with your parents, and tell them exactly why you are not prepared to go. If you go you are pandering to your parents at the expense of your marriage. You will offend your husband who has stood by you despite your injuries and trauma arising from this accident.
Your parents are as selfish in fact as mine are too. I am in a similar position with parents. I have pandered to their ego and need to see grandchildren for years, whilst they offend and insult me. Like me you have to draw a line in the sand and in your own self understand that you have tried to “repay” the “debt” of being born to such selfish people and move on with your life. It is clear that their needs in their view are more important than you in a critical accident. Get real. You have a major accident here, and your parents are more interested in getting their stuff loaded! Surely that puts your value in their eyes into perspective.
You are having difficulty in conceptualising how parents, who are supposed to love their children, can behave in such a way. You are therefore trying to keep in contact with them so that they can belatedly prove to you that after all they care about you. I have waited 30 years for this myself. I can tell you that it never comes. Your best bet is to move ahead with your life with your husband and understand that what you want of your parents will NEVER happen. Much as you want it, it will never ever happen. They will always put themselves first. The proof? They have had every opportunity to give you some kind of financial help to assist you with medical bills or other help as a way of apologising for you being involved in this situation. I disagree that you are being childish – I think this is very harsh. You are a daughter expecting to be treated like a daughter, but your parents no longer see you as a daughter but a person who is available 24/7 to help them. Earn their respect by moving on with your life without them, and have them running to you to see their grandkids instead.
Good luck!
Let him do what he wants to do. It’s not your parents fault for the accident. if they had known, I’m certain they would have had movers do it. Hubby thinks that they ruined his life and yours but that is not so. It’s timing. Timing is everything, if you were a bit slower or faster in your driving, you wouldn’t have had THAT accident. you obviously didn’t know. Blame cannot be assigned here except to the person that made the u turn in front of you.
Apology or not, I would not even answer the phone for them. I can not believe that you would actually consider going. You talk about your kids and them being Grand parents, not the example I would want any kid seeing much less my own.
They are your family, you do what you want. it would appear that your husband is doing what he wants and that is not going.
Sounds harsh, but I would say forget about them. It is a shame that your kids will be out a set of granparents, but are they the kind of grandparents you want your kids to have?
From the incident you described, your parents are exceedingly selfish, vile people. They tricked you into moving them, and didn’t show gratitude even with the sneakiness. They didn’t cause your accident – it was a coincidence that it happened while you were doing them an unwanted favour – but so what? They didn’t apologize, show grave concern and drop everything to make sure you were okay. They didn’t even offer to help out afterwards.
If you forgive them, without a proper and genuine apology, you are letting your kids see that. In turn, they will believe in that crap ‘blood is thicker than water’. That it’s okay to let family wrong you simply because they are family, to tuck tail and allow for future abuse of caring.
I agree with your husband. Ignore them until you get the apology…without asking for it…but you may never get it.
they’re spolied and ungreatful but it wasn’t their fault, if your concern is for the kids then take them, if it gets unplesant leave.
dont leave your husband alone all day though.
this is the time of the birth of Christ, a time for peace, before you leavee you could say mom and dad do you have any remorse for what i went through?
but if it gets hostile immediately put the kid’s coats on and say bye bye Merry Christmas.
Well i wouldn’t go! ur parents r very SELFISH! and i agree with ur husband 100% and u agree with him 50%. The reason 4 me saying that is b/c if u agreed with him 100% u would have never even told him that u want to go and we would just leave early WTF? And i understand that u want ur children 2 know their grandparents, but iy’s not ur fault it’s theirs and that’s sumthing u need 2 understand. And for ur dad 2 even tell ur husband 2 unload the truck b4 he go the hospital that should have let u know whats really important 2 him!!! My mom is just like that she thinks the world revolves around her and every1 n it doesn’t belong 2 be n it! And i just so sick and tired of it and stop fooling with her she will NEVER c my daughter again! I dont want my daughter around sum1 like that mother or no mother i dont care who it is! Plus i just dont have the TIME, PATIENCE, nor ENERGY for sum1 that stupid and selfish! Just focus on ur children, husband, and urself!!! GOOD LUCK!!
Since neither your dad or mother was driving the vehicle, I am afraid that technically, you are responsible for this accident. Please own your responsibility. In my state of residence, traffic accidents no longer exists. There are only car crashes which are always 100% avoidable. As a mother, you owed your children your first allegiance and should not have undertaken any action or responsibility which endangered their safety. The law now indicates that the responsibility for any given crash always lies with one or more of the involved drivers – there are almost never extenuating circumstances which make some third party who was not even at the wheel responsible. Since your parents were far away, how could they be held responsible for what a careless driver did? Blaming your parents seems to be the result of faulty logic.
However, according to your version of the events, your parents do seem to be irresponsible and uncaring people. Yet, are you justified in breaking off all ties with them. I would say no. I am of the opinion that one should never discard human beings; they are not trash. They are precious human beings who are prone to error as are we all. You are angry and perhaps rightfully so. On the other hand, your parents gave you life, supported and protected you for 18 years or more, paid for your education, loved you and nurtured you. You must acknowledge that the good probably outweighs the bad. If you set standards for discarding human beings, these same standards may justifiably be applied against you at some later date. It may be that your own children will reject you based on some regrettable misunderstanding. Remember, no one is perfect.
What is lacking here is maturity, selflessness and communication. Not to mention the most important element of all – LOVE.
Open lines of communication with your parents. If the situation is too tense for face to face interchange, then write a courteous but honest letter expressing your concerns. If you can meet with your parents, then you really should. Perhaps plan to eat out somewhere together, or to meet in some neutral place, such as a public park. You might consider consulting a professional negotiator who can help you resolve this conflict. Show your children that you and your husband are loving, caring, evolved human beings. Demonstrate that you operate according to high moral standards, not based on angry knee-jerk sentiments. Also, you indicated that you will never obtain an apology from them.Well, you never know until you try.
My advise to you is that you are going to have to choose between your parents or your husband and children. Let me tell you something that just recently happened within my marriage and maybe it will help you with yours.
Over 10 years ago my husband and I were planning our marriage. He called up his family to invite them personally and to tell them that we would really like to have them there. Well to make a long story short on that phone call it didn’t go well and I went off on his mother. Then about a month after we got married I decided to apologize for the sake of my marriage and we went over to his family’s house for Thanksgiving. We had a wonderful time and they had accepted my apology.
Now I am going to take you to 7 1/2 years ago. My husband joined the Army and we got stationed in Oklahoma. His family was pissed that we didn’t stay in contact. Never mind the fact that a month and half after getting to his duty station he was sent to Iraq. Well he came back in July of 2003. He called his parents in August to tell them that he made it home and to just catch up. Then in October of 2003 my father passed away and we had to go to Michigan for the funeral. Well my husband’s family lives about 3 hours from where the funeral was and when they found out that we were close to them and didn’t come visit them it was a crime. So they gave my husband an ultimatum either he starts staying in contact and visiting more or they were going to disown him.
Now we are to the present. About 4 months ago my husband and I joined facebook. He found his sisters and his brother on there and they started communicating again. The only problem was that one of the sisters is holding onto everything that happened in the past and won’t let it go. Also, she came out and told my husband that no one in the family ever really liked me and that they talk about me and make fun of me behind my back. They had even come up with a horrible nickname for me. I am not the most attractive woman and I have hairy arms so the nickname was “Chewy”. Well, needless to say my husband had to make a choice between his family or me. Obviously he chose me or I wouldn’t be telling you this story.
I hope this helps in some way because here is another piece of advise. You married your husband and left your family to start a new one. Obviously you love your husband or you wouldn’t be so upset by all of this. Don’t lose a good man to the family who is selfish and only cares about themselves because if you choose your family and push him away he will go someplace else for love.
Sometimes accidents are accidents. It isn’t your parents’ “fault” that you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You could say that if that guy hadn’t done the U-Turn, you wouldn’t have had the accident, too. That said, most people would feel some measure of guilt/concern about your accident in your parents’ position; at least enough to pitch in any way they could to help you through it. Their actions, including wanting your husband to stay and unload their truck before going to the hospital to see how you and your child were, would give me fits.
For that reason, I’d be inclined to blow them off and do your own thing. You have given NO indication that they have changed their ways, and I don’t think I would want my children to be influenced by such selfish and uncaring people. If you are still dithering over this after 4 years, perhaps you need to discuss it with a counselor so that you can resolve it for yourself once and for all. For your husband, it is a no-brainer. You are torn. That’s why you are fighting. People can forgive some pretty big things, and they can choose not to. It is sitting on the fence that is killing you.
We don’t get to choose our family. And since family are people like everyone else, sometimes we end up with family members that really aren’t worth the pain and effort. I am sorry to say that I know a lot of grandparents who aren’t worth a damn.
Reality check here. Do you really think your parents think in any way about the accident FOUR years ago? Of course not. There is no way that they can apologize for something they take no responsibility for.
Your husband isn’t upset about the accident. He is upset about what happened or more specific what didn’t happen after the accident. Your parents did not go to the hospital.
They are not good parents. They are not there for you or your family and are not good influences. More harm than good. Your husband knows this and you whining for the kids to know their grandparents does not change what kind of people they are. He is the father of your children and it is his job to protect them from people like this.
Wait til your kids grow up and then maybe your parents will have matured into decent people. It happens but let your kids be old enough to make their own call.