Long story… Is my mother insane?
Question by Silken: Long story… Is my mother insane?
Heres the story.
I am originally from Latvia. I was born to my mother when she was 32 years old and she always wanted a kid but thought she could not be able to have one so she was very happy.
She did not work and literally spent 24 hours a day with me until i was 14.
I had some health complications as a kid so I literally stayed at home all the time with her and cooked together etc.
My dad left us when I was 6 because she pretty much gave him zero attention and he did not like the fact that I was growing up not as a traditional “guy” but I liked to cook and garden and stuff like that.
When I was almost 15 she moved to England and finally found herself a job.
After 2 months of being in England she pretty much “took” me to live with her.
She expected that we would live in a 6 square metre room together. Needless to say it was no longer realistic because I was a teenage boy and needed at least some space.
So we rented a room next door. I went to college in england and started making some friends.
She did not like the fact that Im not home (even when shes at work) so she started buying me lots of chocolate and computer games. Didnt take long until from a gym-going healthy person I became a fat 24/7 gaming kid. It was more convenient for her that I was at home all the time.
I realised that something was quite wrong at that time already.
I finished my college and it was time to choose university. There was a university in the same city where we lived and it was pretty much obvious that thats where I will be studying without any questions asked.
I knew that if I stay there she will still treat me as a 10 year old.
Took me quite some trouble but I managed to enroll in a great university 400 miles away from home.
Once I finally lived seperately I found out that I have zero knowledge about how to pay any bills and do pretty much anything except cooking, computing and studying. I was 280 pounds by this time.
I turned my life around, I am 230 LBs now and its quite ok considering im 6’6, learned to do all the stuff by myself, etc.
The problem is, she still pretty much requires me to call her 5-6 times a day, to tell her where I am (and why am i not at home), what I had for dinner, which clothes I bought, etc. And its not just a general interest, its an attempt to have full control over all of that. I am obliged to spend every holiday only with her too.
She helps me financially every week (I never asked her to do it but it is useful).
I am in my final year of my degree and right now I mostly live on the student loan (+ what she helps).
She wants me to go on a Masters degree and so do I.
The problem is that she will finance it. I know that the little control that I have gained over my life will be completely destroyed if she will be financially in charge of my life again. I know I can get a job but a job will not be enough to fund a masters degree anyway, not even close. She already decided which degree I will be doing, which room I will be living in university in, etc. I am 21 years old.
Today (as always) we had a very long talk which again resulted in the discussion of “what are you going to do with your life” and with result that she will send me money for food until she dies as long as I “act nicely”. Whenever I say anything that I want to have a family and my own life the response is always a “sure, sure” followed by a smile.
She also keeps putting the fact that she will eventually die as the end of my life too. I have thought about it and when I was a kid it terrified me to no end. Now it doesnt terrify me, in fact it seems to be the moment when my life will finally begin.
She constantly ensures me that I cannot do anything by myself right without her advice, that I will never have a good career without her help and that there is really nothing good thats going to happen for me in my entire life except that when she sents me my weekly (and rather small) sum of money.
Now I have learned to ignore most of her ideas in practice while I am doing my degree, yet im not sure what will happen when I start my masters. She will be financially in control of me so it pretty much means im going to have to be her little good boy again? I cant do it anymore. I have a girl who I like, I can do literally completely everything by myself now and the only “bad” highlights of my day are the phonecalls to her.
Also- she doesnt communicate with almost all of the family, has no man, noone except me. Our bigger “family” also fell apart pretty much because of her attitude to it. She doesnt care about her own parents who are very old and really need help, she doesnt care about her brothers/cousins and in fact I dont think she “cares” about me. I think she only cares about herself and to be in control of her own little world. The problem is – I am the main part of her world and I cant b
Best answer:
Answer by saved_by_grace
I don’t think she is insane just very controlling. You need to slowly break away from the habit of talking to her 5-6 times per day and start living your life. I think she loves you very much but is afraid to lose you.
Give your answer to this question below!
Don’t be afraid to tell her how you feel, and that you think you need more freedom. Explain to her that you’re not a little boy anymore and you need to learn to be independent. Also, just because she is financially in control of your education, it doesn’t mean she is going to stop funding it if you tell her the truth. After all, she is your mother and she will always love you regardless.
Hope this helps
She’s not insane, she’s got attachment issues. To her, you represent more than you, you represent your dad, her life before he left, family relations, etc.
You need to change your relationship, but you have to include her in the process so she doesn’t suffer some serious emotional damage.
Explain that you’re becoming independent because she’s done a good job raising you and because she’s put so much of her effort into you. The phrase “You’ve done a great job as a mom” should be the resounding theme throughout.
Then, slowly wean her off of the phone calls. Of course, tell her that you’ll call her, but keep it so that she knows what to expect the next day. For example, say “next week, I’m not going to call during lunch, but I’ll still call after dinner”, etc. There’s no reason that you can’t discuss everything you already talk about in 5-6 phone calls in just one or two, which is normal. Week 1, 5 calls. Week 2, 4 calls. Week 3, 3 calls, etc. If she calls you outside of a designated time, don’t answer it. Your final goal should be 1 call at a single designated time, and 1 random call if she calls you outside of the designated time.
When it comes to the M.S., first, choose your own degree. Your mom can give you advice, but make it clear that you’re accepting her thoughts as advice, not gospel. You may just have to get a job while in school or a student loan. You should also work your butt off to get scholarships, fellowships, and grants.
If it comes down to your mom being your sole financial source, explain that she is free to fund the M.S., but you will do the things that interest you and the things that you’re good at, which may or may not coincide with her advice. Above all, remind her that you will always consider her advice (even if you toss it to the curb) and that she has done a great job raising you, but now it’s time for her to let go and watch her hard work pay off.
It would also be helpful to have “results” to show her when you physically see her, and when you do talk with her. Hit the gym hard, have great grades even in classes she doesn’t like, etc.