Normal cold feet or second thoughts?
Question by Pear: Normal cold feet or second thoughts?
Hi I am getting married in December, and I dont know if it is normal or not, but I am definalty starting to feel weird about it. I have thoughts now about my fiance being annoying, things irritate me or infuriate me about his personality that once i found attractive.
He is VERY commited to his work, to the point where he does not want to move away from it, even though I dont want to live in this area any longer then I have to. Every time I make plans he says…’but depending on my Job’..If I say something like ‘lets go on a holiday over seas for few weeks every year, when we are married’, he replies ‘can’t, wont be able to get the time off’.
Or If I suggest lets go live in france for a year in like 5 years..kids and all..he says ‘can’t leave my job’. I hate his job for so many reason’s, the tiny pay, (I will earn more at my first year after uni then he will when at the top of this business, which he is there is only 3 people in it) the unpaid over time, the Christmas season where the bank ‘always screws up’ and he does not get paid for a few weeks, and how stressed and tired he always is from it.
When we first met, he didnt work there till about the time we started going out and then over time he has just become a downer, as all this stuff about the job he love;s so much weigh;s on him. Any thoughts/plans for our future, seems to have to revolve around his stupid job.
I have shown him different places where he could still do the same sort of work, but for different companies, but get paid more have better hours, get to go to new and different places…but he refuses and says that his job is what makes him happy and he loves it.
There’s also other things that annoy me like behaviours and immature attitudes, that really annoy me, like burping and farting and thinking its funny, watching war movies all the time..because ‘its cool’ hunting and thinking guns are cool and just being stupid with his guy mates..like gay jokes and stuff…that really annoy me.
And then there are the ‘what if’s’ that pop into my head..like what if…we wern’t together and I decided to move to Japan/Ireland/ Africa for a year?
What if I could move down the coast and take up glass blowing….not that I have ever done that
things like that that I will not be able to do/have a chance to/ even though i probably would never do those things without him any way…
And I alway’s imagined I would be with someone romantic but he is more the strong silent type..
Is this all normal long term relationship blues/stresses/male behaviour/cold feet or serious second thoughts?
Best answer:
Answer by Jenny Lynne
Let’s break this down:
1. You feel weird about it.
2. His irritating habits annoy you. He will not change, I know.
3. His obsession with work.
4. His refusal to even consider any other job or place to live.
5. His behaviour, sounds crude to me, the b and f, can’t stand that.
6. Other things beginning to annoy you—his guys, hunting and his movies.
7. Stopping your ability to do the things that you want to do.
8. He definitely does not sound romantic.
9. What about children, his devotion to his job,not being off work much, will he have time or want to have time with his children, or does the job still come first????
O.K. notice that all the negatives are about him. Beyond annoyance, do you still love him with all your heart despite all of these faults,etc. He will not change, been there done that.
I think he has serious issues, just why is he so attached to his job, does it make him feel special to feel important at his job being he is one three people and the feeling of “I am needed” satisfies something in him.
Honest opinion, well thought out answer, call off the wedding now, all of the negatives above do not tend me to think of a very positive, happy marriage. This is more than cold feet. Your fiance’ has some sort of problem and really needs to be in therapy. If you feel all these things now, stop before you make a mistake. That’s calling it like I see it. Hope and pray I am right,just too much negative stuff going on here.
Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!
Holy crap, I was reading this and I was almost convinced that I had somehow posted it without remembering.
I’m getting married in 2 months to the same situation. Stuck in a no-where town because of his job. Came here with dreams of getting out someday, but now we’ve bought property and he just loves it here. Sometimes I’m ok with it, and sometimes I realize that my “take off and see where life brings me” attitude will not fly anymore.
France is so beautiful….. dammit.
So I have given my fiance a lot of my opinions about the matter, and he is well aware. It took some convincing, but he said that if I ever NEED to leave, we can make up a plan. He doesn’t want me to die on the inside, because that would be no good for him either. No one wants a dead wife.
Maybe you could talk to him, and just point out what kind of things you imagined your life being, and how you want to share that with him and create your own life together. Guys do have the instinct to have a secure method of providing, so he may be a bit timid to try job-hopping just yet. Especially with a wedding coming up. But maybe you could agree that you’ll check back in 2 years, and leave it open that you could find a new plan then.
And remember, once you are married, you’ll likely have kids at some point, and your life will no longer revolve around you. At some point, you’ll have to relinquish a bit of your free-spirited ways as a sacrifice to your new committments. It’s honourable, and rewards will come with it.
Maybe it helps to know you’re not alone?
Weeeelll if you’re second guessing now you need to communicate your feelings to him. Marriage is all about communication and pretty much meeting each others needs. Depending on how he reacts I think you’ll know your answer.
No relationship is perfect. You will go through periods of time where you are happily in love and will feel guilty about saying all this bad stuff about your fiance on yahoo answers, and times where you want to slap him in the face because he is getting on your nerves. Sometimes everyone gets that “grass is greener” syndrome. It is normal! You will always have what ifs. You may never know what it is like to be married to a doctor or firefighter, or what its like to live in Africa in a village or go on a safari. There are SO MANY things you will not experience in life, but then again there are so many things that you will! I don’t want to sound morbid, but imagine if your fiance wasn’t alive anymore. How would you feel? Or imagine if he was engaged right now to another girl, how does that make you feel? You have to really dig down deep and see if you are just having a rough patch in your relationship (like everyone does) or if this really isn’t the guy for you. Just because your fiance annoys you, doesn’t mean that gives you the right to just leave him. You LOVE him! I’m sure your family drives you insane, but you love them too and would never think of leaving them and cutting them off completely. Maybe spend a week apart from your fiance and cool down. The whole wedding planning is very stressful, take a break and see how you feel. Good luck!